Monday, March 12, 2007

Hands off the merchandise

just this morning i thought i was kicking and squealing my way out of the tangled mass of blankets and random things on my bed when i dreamt of having overslept for two days. I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL. not now, not tomorrow, not ever.

just last afternoon, i was cutting out cd covers when i realized the numbness i felt that i wanted to feel alive, that i still hurt, that i still feel physically;emotionally. i sliced one edge of the pair of scissors across my left wrist. i was going to gouge it out when i remembered that i was at home; i shouldn't do things here. the last time i tried cutting myself badly was a couple of years ago during a rather sullen class. when the teacher was discussing something about angina pectoris. and myocardial infarction. a sudden flash of light headedness followed by a surge of realization.everything, the delicate form of reality, came to brace me.

just last night, i cried my contact lenses out (well they didn't come off, really, even if ma'am anasta assured me that they would, eventually) FOR BEING SO DARN MISUNDERSTOOD for five years now. gawd. it's not my fault i'm NOT A ROBOT. I feel. I hurt. I tire. I have to be in the mood to do something. I'm sorry if i'm not what you expect i should be, but that's just me. I'm me, human,simple as that, as human as you, as human as any other person,with the exact same feelings but I EFFING NEED TO BE IN THE MOOD TO COLLAR THE EFFING JIVE. dig?

I think the Lord of the Flies is talking to me, like how he said things to Simon. he's telling : "what's the use?" "they're all against you." "you shan't trust no one, as a matter of fact, you can't" "can't you see they're using you?" "what's the point of living when at once you could die?" "are you afraid?" "then why can't you?" "you know you're not as happy as you seem." "you know how fake they sound when they say frowning doesn't suit you" "and that time you hurt yourself, they took it as a joke 'COS FOR THEM YOU ARE THE HAPPIEST PERSON.EVER." i'd like to drift and drown to the Lord of the Flies' words. yeah, so true. so effin true.

and to make it worse, the people around you. the grown-ups who should BE THERE TO GIVE SUPPORT. just because we're teenagers living for our dreams hoping to be treated as adults alike doesn't mean we should be treated AS adults-mature and all that-as well. gee, live with it. we're touchy. we're trying to build our FACADES. we're trying on different stilletos of skills, different kitten heels of confidence, fudge.admit it coy, come know you're being unfair.treating us how you were treated in an unfair manner. that's not hot.

and for the love of fudge and sugar (i'm trying to avoid cussing here, hi teachers! :p) effff! everything is just so friggin unfair. i get blamed. it's my responsibility. i'm the messiah. what the heck. go screw yourselves. you're the reasons why i need psychiatrical help. and i'm serious about that. five years. five effing years. so young.psycho.

so it all boils down to this, my life as of's unfair, strangely risky, and in tagalog, something i could summarize in a phrase with three words: "bakit laging ako???"

can't you see? i've got problems myself. my F***IN LIFE DOESN'T REVOLVE AROUND BEING A J.A. OFFICER OR AN ALGEBRA STUDENT. OR A STUDENT WHO ISN'T REWARDED WITH THE PROPER GRADES. OR A PERSON NOT REWARDED WITH THE PROPER LUCK IN LIFE. i am so sick and so darn tired of this ever nuclear flow. SO FU**IN TIRED i'm giving up.

thanks nathan and airah for the hotdog fight, and the attempt to undo my bra clasps. really brightened up thy day.

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